Watching Xrytspet© from Fanton in G10009845788899990766 levitate–plus Silzrack, her assistant, along with the FnL7 Time Craft–and the fact that she will not tell me how she does it, drove me to invention.
My invention is the GRAVITY SCREEN which I’m sure many would find useful.
For example, placing the gravity screen on the sidewalk in front of your house–allowing your mother-in-law to walk on it–will screen her from the earth’s gravity field. Giving her a nudge with a broom handle will send her off to parts unknown if you think beforehand to put glue on the gravity screen which will hold it firmly to her shoes. I am in no way suggesting that you actually do this.
You better think about it!
To understand the operation of the gravity screen you must understand concepts like the Density of States and Reciprocal Space. A knowledge of Dr. Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principal and certain precepts given in the General Theory of Relativity on the Curvature of Space is also essential. Some of you “in the know” may have already surmised how I might have invented the Gravity Screen.
You will be wrong so you may as well go back to watching Wimbledon.
I came upon my solution to the Gravity Problem when I dropped Dr. Hocking’s book entitled “The Universe in a Nutshell” on my toe in the bathroom.
I said, “Damn it!”
That was it!
I simply had to dam off gravity.
Using my expertise in material science and engineering I stretched my imagination into Dr. Hocking’s Space and EUREKA!
When I was teaching engineering at Iowa State University years ago (1966-1974), I tried to find someone in the Physics Department to work on the superconductivity of ceramics. The literature indicated that eventually such materials would become practical, which they did. I wanted to make the materials and then have the Physics Department assist in the measurement of properties.
The end of the story is that everybody was too busy doing something else so we were not the ones that got the Nobel Prize. However, one who turned me down came to me later and asked if we could get things going again. Another scientist wanted to know if we couldn’t get together and build a train using the superconductor theory.
I was too busy making “flying saucers” at the time, the ceramic variety which flew through the air at the Atlantic City Rescue Mission where we sometimes tested commercial china. We already had a new “saucer factory” springing up in a corn field in North Carolina and we had to give technical support.
I was too busy.
The concept I used to develop my Gravity Screen was not superconductivity but supermagnetivity combined with osmosis. You will not find “supermagnetivity” in your dictionary. I invented the word to actually prevent the discovery of my concept by outsiders. Osmosis was used for the same reason. However, I will mention that I had to use Perturbation Theory.
Well, I soon learned that I had to protect the world from the Gravity Screen.
I lost three wrenches, a hammer, several screwdrivers, and a ham sandwich to outer space. My neighbor’s dog returned home after an absence of seventeen days. His paws were raw from walking across Craters of the Moon just north of here.
I had labeled my tools just in case they got lost. I got a nice letter from NASA plus the return of a pair of special pliers which shuttle astronauts found to be exactly what was needed to repair the Hubble Space Telescope. They even sent me a plaque. I wrote back and told them that I could bring my tool box on the next mission, but I got no reply. They don’t allow pig aortic valves on the shuttle unless they are in a pig. I learned that through the grapevine.
I also learned that Xrytspet© was jealous and had actually sent some of my tools into space–so it is not all my fault if a hammer crashes through the International Space Station.
Xrytspet© talked me out of the project. She said that my solution was obsolete anyway and that if I wanted to levitate, I could always go with her in the FnL7 Time Craft©.
Rather than alienate her (no pun intended), I decided to give up on the project. My final decision came when uniformed guys from the Pentagon came snooping around. The last thing I wanted was to have my invention used by the military to kill people.
In my mind I could see insurgents drifting through space gasping for air.
To rid the earth of the Gravity Screen, I simply chucked it into my garbage can and gave it a kick. I got some good shots of it passing in front of the moon using my 35 mm camera with a 400 mm lens.
copyright©2007 John Taylor Jones, Ph.D. Taylor Jones the Hack Writer