The Only Review You’ll Ever Need of Blade: The Series (Part 3 of 5)

Time for a quick recap. Blade, like all good crime fighters, has finally found some crime to fight. He has set up his crime fighting headquarters in the basement of an old crummy store that could double as the set for “Doom” the movie. His real estate agent is now taking care of the “Bladecave” while Blade is out. He has a crummy car called the Blademobile and dresses like a colorblind mime. He is also an epileptic, has mild ADHD, wears sunglasses at night and is otherwise too cool for everyone. Got that? The let’s get on with the show.

Blade finally finds his bad guy by seeing him on the cover of a magazine. Now I really have got to wonder just how microcephalic you have to resort to finding your villains that way. That “Blade Juice” must degrade your mental function to the fourth grade level but without the spelling requirements. Did Batman stand around and wait for the Riddler to finish painting his new lair with giant green question marks? Hell no! Bats just waited until some idiot bought 50 gallons of green paint from the local Home Depot and then beat the crap out of them in the parking lot with a set of brass knuckles. For giggles, Bats would let Alfred take a whack at him too. Case closed. Blade is, apparently, a bit of a dullard. He should have talked to that tattoo artist instead of stabbing him because it looks like his tribal is melting in the hot stage lights. Spike TV must not have much of a makeup budget.

While Blade remains stumped by the Jumble in the middle of Highlights, the remaining member of the former Wonder Twins takes the file she grabbed from the cops and begins following the leads found inside the purloined folder.

She gets a good look at another tattoo like the one her brother had and tries to rough they guy up to get answers. Since she doesn’t have super cool sunglasses, she fails miserably at being badass and goes back to her brother’s apartment to see about selling some more of his stuff on EBay.

The first thing she sees is his PowerBook. “Score!” she shouts as she realizes that she just got her twenty bucks back with massive interest. She plops down to see what l33t stuff her brother had on his hard drive. In addition to the copies of the Star Wars Kid videos and a full .PDF of the Dysfunctional Family Circus, she finds a shortcut to a website run by the guy who played the stuffy surgeon on MASH. I think the same guy played Meathead on All In The Family. Anyway, this guy has a link on his website that looked just like Sharpie tattoo that her brother had so she decides to find out where this guy lives.

She decides to use the only logical way to find out where some random person from the Internet lives and use Google. Google, of course, pinpointed the person in .008 milliseconds, brought up a map and a list of the guy’s favorite places ranked in the order of his likely appearance based upon the time of day. The tasteful AdWords ads for MASH and All In The Family were a crowning touch. Then, she gets the bright idea to Google for her brother’s tattoo. Typing in the magic keyword “tattoo” she finds exactly what she want’s on the first screen. I don’t know how Google does that but I’ve always suspected that they have banks of brains floating in bubbling liquid instead of servers.

Armed with this information, she nabs the laptop for EBay along with a vial of white crud that looks like bits from a 1970’s chemistry set mixed with ground Cheerios and takes off.

Blade, who has given up trying to find his criminals, is now just following this gal around since she seems to be able to figure out stuff way faster than he can. Otherwise, he will have to wait until the bad guy publishes his plans in the daily paper before he can find him. Anyway, she pulls up on this address which is exactly where Google said it would be. The website guy is home because Google also predicted that too. Maybe Blade just needs a cell phone that can surf the Internet to fight crime?

That probably wouldn’t be quite as super cool as calling your real estate agent and having him check the news stands. To be fair, Blade didn’t get to hang out with Batman and Robin all those years like the Wonder Twins did. She sure as heck didn’t learn anything from hanging around with Aquaman other than the fact that fish may swim in the deep but they are only slightly more intelligent than a claw hammer.

Turns out the guy is deep into celebrating National Pizza Month because he’s hanging garlic and pepperoni all over the house. He must also be part pervert since he practically has her undress before letting her in the house. Any normal middle-aged lonely doofus would have waited until the random mystery babe is inside the house, but not a Spike TV middle-aged lonely doofus – especially one with a website. At least he isn’t located in his grandmother’s basement. She asks him about the tattoo and he tells her it’s from the house of Cthulhu or something like that. He also gives her the obligatory creepy warning about getting in too deep or something like that.

She figures if she can fight off giant gorillas from space and man-eating jellyfish in the old days she can handle a couple of ordinary bad guys and ignores his warning. He also tells her that the vial of ground Cheerios is some kind of powder that gives people superpowers for a while but that it gives you the munchies so bad that you’ll end up eating your own fingers. He shows her his half-eaten fingers to prove that he used to be a badass back in the day and also to establish his street cred. He then shows her his really big stash of the “good stuff.” She gets creeped out and decides to leave. He yells “wait” all pathetic like the blind hermit in Frankenstein but she ducks out anyway.

Blade, now back in the Blademobile, pulls up to the address to see her leaving and decides to follow her. Not seeing any tattoo shops to bust up, Blade continues to follow. I only hope the ADHD doesn’t kick in and cause him to lose any more precious time in his crime-fighting crusade.

On her way home, Wonder Twin Jayna gets rear ended at a stoplight. When she gets out to exchange insurance information, someone hops into her SUV and steals it. I guess she didn’t learn as much from Batman as we had hoped. She’s also carrying a gun now that she can’t morph into a giant baseball bat or a nuclear powered avocado like in the old days. Now she’s all alone on a nasty street corner like a modern day Little Red Riding Hood except she doesn’t have a picnic basket and grandmas house is now a crack den. Deciding that the best defense is something offensive, she ducks into the now deserted crack house, pulls out her pistol and reenacts the best moments of Walker: Texas Ranger.

As she moves up and down the same six feet of hallway (Spike really should by some extension cords for their cameras) she utilizes another tried and true detective technique – she starts yelling “Hello” like she was at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Right about now even Helen Keller knows she’s in the building, but our Jayna sticks to her gun and continues to stealth walk her way down that same stretch of hallway thanks to the stage magic and chemicals of the Spike TV production crew.

In the background, we see a mysterious figure sneak behind her and into another room reminiscent of the style commonly found in old Scooby Doo chase scenes. Especially the ones where they had the Z-List guest stars like Don Knotts or Vincent Price. Sneaky figure gets bored waiting on her to find him so he makes some noise. Running all stealthy, she gets into the one room with bad lighting and waits until sneaky guy reveals himself as Sir Mix-A-Lot as he knocks the gun out of her hands and starts taunting her. He mentions her brother then she grabs her gun and shoots him in the nards 4 times. I can’t say that her marksmanship was all that good, but I think she made her point to Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Sir Mix-A-Lot tosses a tantrum at having the family jewels scrambled by a Ruger as his buddy steps out and starts making growling noises at her. Maybe thats supervillain code or some stuff but it looks totally lame. Of course it’s been 15 years since Sir Mix-A-Lot’s 15 minutes of fame have expired and that kind of street cred just can’t attract the kind of posse you need to hang out in the hood.

Remember Blade? He’s been hanging back in the Blademobile sipping his Blade Juice and watching this whole time. Now that he has heard some caps bustin’ out, he is up ready for something that he does understand – some All American roundhouse kicking. Kicking in the door all cool and stuff he reaches over the top of Jayna’s head and shows her what a real hunk of a shooting iron can do by firing one of his specially made experimental military grade tracer super exploding fragmenting detonator spiral rounds into Sir Mix-A-Lot which turns him into a pile of cat litter. Now that is the kind of pistol that says “pheer me” in all capital letters.

His supply of cheap beer and Slim Jims gone, the other guy manages to run up to Blade while he is admiring his Blade Gun and show him a few Chuck Norris inspired roundhouse kicks. Blade rolls around on the floor to put on a good show while Wonder twin Jayna unloads the rest of her rounds into the stunt double. This really is not her day since the bad guy is wearing a Kevlar vest. He pretty much ignores the whole thing and grins like an idiot thats discovered a chocolate pudding mine in his closet.

Blade whips out little blade and, tossing a coy grin back at Jayna, makes this fantastic rocket assisted leap towards bad guy to end the match. Unfortunately for Blade, blade comes up a little short. I’ll wager that’s never happened before. While he is busy trying to pull little blade out of the floor, bad guy hops up and goes all roundhouse kick on Blade again. This gives Jayna time to reload and this time she’s so honked off he doesn’t seem to care if she shoots the bad guy, Blade or the poor cameraman whom, I’m told, is out of the hospital and doing well.

After 30+ rounds, Jayna realizes that bad guy is wearing a vest and shoots him in the knee. Of course, bad guy hits the floor and we get the general impression that bad guy finds this uncomfortable. We’re not really sure if this is the “ouch, I’ve been shot in the knee” uncomfortable, “ouch, I just fell down on the concrete and rammed my car keys into my groin” uncomfortable or “I still haven’t saved a lot on my car insurance” uncomfortable. Either way it looks pretty darn uncomfortable as uncomfortable goes.

In danger of being upstaged on his own show, Blade whips out his Blade Gun and unloads another of those specially made experimental military grade tracer super exploding fragmenting detonator spiral rounds into bad guy who promptly turns into about 3lbs of Tidy Cat. Now that’s some efficient shooting. Jayna finds Blade’s pistol pretty cool. Blade gets his blade back and restored to its proper location, tells Jayna to get out of town and then uses his Bladerope to disappear on her. Blade better not send his only source of clues to the Greyhound station just yet, the party’s just started.

My couch side case of cold ones is running low. This show’s turning out to be a 2 case episode. 2 being the number of cases of beer it takes to stay interested enough to keep watching. See you next installment.

Source by Larry D. Yablow

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